Letting some of it go...

It's funny how life goes on... after a death, when unemployed...

As I sit here on the computer, my Yehyeh is reading his Chinese newspapers that we bought last week. I am so glad we found them as reading makes up 75% of his day, followed by eating, and then watching TV. I try to get him out of the house for at least an hour a day by running errands or just going for a drive.

I sometimes wonder if it's enough, if I am being a good granddaughter.

Yeh is such a good man - patient, non-complaining, quiet, old and frail. When people see us, they always nod or address Yeh - one cannot resist. Yeh's face is incredibly kind, content, and interesting to the point that you want to ask him to tell you a story. You want to be good to him, to talk to him, to make him smile.

Since we've been together so much, I've begun to wonder: What would I want to be doing if I was inside his body? It's tough. Reading, for sure - it can make the time pass at an amazing speed. Eating for sure and watching TV. I'd probably not want to run too many errands - as I find them boring if they don't have anything to do with me, especially since I don't speak or read English. Going for a walk, I guess, but I'm not sure I'd want to as I'd need my cane, I'd have to try to keep up, and I always find it colder out than anyone else. Walking sounds like too much trouble and besides I'm 87 years old - it's quite tiring. I'd most likely do a lot of thinking - although I would try not to but the thoughts would come anyway. I would try not to think of my wife of 70 years, whom I loved dearly and miss horribly. I would try not to think about the not-so-perfect-but-content life that we had, living in our own house and going through the same daily routine that we both knew so well. How she made sure I took my pill in the morning our needles, how she made sure I ate breakfast, reminded me to wash, kept me active with minor duties around the house, how she refused to let me shovel the driveway even after she had her heart attack, how she cut my food because my teeth are so bad that I can't chew, how she was always there...

You know, I was not the greatest granddaughter to these two incredible human beings - I remember promising them that when I had a car I would take them on trips everywhere. When they bought me my first car, a Subaru Justy, the biggest trip I took them on was a visit to relatives 4 hours away. How awful is that? Years seem to have passed by in a blink of the eye - there was so much that I had wanted to do for my grandparents. So many visits and phone calls that I had thought would happen, so many trips that we would take, so many stories I was supposed to hear. When I was small, my grandparents took care of me, as my parents were working long and hard trying to earn a living. I remember promising my grandmother that I would look after them when they got old...well, I guess I'm keeping half the promise. I've let my grandmother down...I truly hope she understands and I hope she knows I'm trying my best with Yehyeh.

I think it's time now for me to let some of this go and live right here, in the present with my Yehyeh.