All in the Timing

A bit of an odd day today...

First of all, as Yehyeh and I were having breakfast, I finished reading "Digital Fortress" by Dan Brown, who I'm sure everyone knows wrote "The Da Vinci Code." It was odd because I read about 300 pages in about an hour, which is like 5 pages per minute, or one page in 12 seconds - that's impossible isn't it? I like to think that I did retain some of the information - I did solve the code at the end of the book, so something must have sunk in, right?

By mid-morning, while Yehyeh watched TV and read his papers, I was blog-surfing. When I finally looked at the clock, it was lunch time. I hate when I let time go by like that! Usually I am more aware of time passing. However, I decided the gloomy weather was to blame and carried on with the day.

After lunch, I did 4 loads of laundry between checking email and catching up on current events. Just as I got halfway through, I answered a call for help from my former place of employment (doesn't everyone enjoy being needed?). What was odd about the afternoon was - time almost stood still. I had completed so many tasks that I was sure when I looked at the clock it would tell me it was suppertime. Uh-uh, when I looked at the clock 2 hours had barely passed! I could've sworn 5 hours had gone by! What else was a girl to do but take Yeh for a walk to the grocery store around the corner. And off we went...

An hour later, we arrived back home - how is this possible? I can see the grocery store from my front steps. I can almost read the specials posted in the window. Granted my Yehyeh is old and walks slowly and there was some traffic and we did look around a bit - but an hour? Holy guacamole - what is happening with time today?

I'm not easily fazed and apart from the pounding headache (from the low pressure system I think?) - I began doing the prep for supper. We're having beef stir fry and since time has been acting funny, I thought I would cut all the vegetables beforehand so there'd be no waiting between ingredients during the actual stirfrying. This was the only event today that I timed out....literally, the last vegetable was sliced, the chopping board & knife cleaned, and it was 6 o'clock, time for Yeh's insulin. My husband, Gai Doi, had already arrived home and just got up from his nap. Rice was cooking, thanks to Yeh. And insulin was given...now it was time to cook. Everything went well - the veggies were the perfect size & cooked to perfection and just as I turned off the stove, the rice cooker clicked, announcing the rice was ready. The timing couldn't have been more perfect! What gives? Now we're back in normal time.

When I turned 30, I had this moment where I thought about the passage of time in my life...it seemed to me that from the time I was born until I was about 4 years old, time flew by. I know that it's because I don't really remember it, but still, it seems that it flew by. Then from 5 years to 15 years old, time crawled by...I remember the summer vacation before grade six felt so long that by August I was wishing it was September. And the months leading up to my sixteenth birthday seemed to drag on forever. From my 16th birthday until my 23rd birthday, time seemed to fly - it felt like I received my driver's license, graduated from high school, went to university, graduated, served my apprenticeship, and established my career as a stage manager in one week! I was amazed at how quickly it all happened. Time didn't seem to register again for me until I hit 30 and reflected on time. I'm 34 now and since turning 30, time seems to be going at the proper speed...that is, until I hit today.

Let's hope time returns to its norm tomorrow.

Letting some of it go...

It's funny how life goes on... after a death, when unemployed...

As I sit here on the computer, my Yehyeh is reading his Chinese newspapers that we bought last week. I am so glad we found them as reading makes up 75% of his day, followed by eating, and then watching TV. I try to get him out of the house for at least an hour a day by running errands or just going for a drive.

I sometimes wonder if it's enough, if I am being a good granddaughter.

Yeh is such a good man - patient, non-complaining, quiet, old and frail. When people see us, they always nod or address Yeh - one cannot resist. Yeh's face is incredibly kind, content, and interesting to the point that you want to ask him to tell you a story. You want to be good to him, to talk to him, to make him smile.

Since we've been together so much, I've begun to wonder: What would I want to be doing if I was inside his body? It's tough. Reading, for sure - it can make the time pass at an amazing speed. Eating for sure and watching TV. I'd probably not want to run too many errands - as I find them boring if they don't have anything to do with me, especially since I don't speak or read English. Going for a walk, I guess, but I'm not sure I'd want to as I'd need my cane, I'd have to try to keep up, and I always find it colder out than anyone else. Walking sounds like too much trouble and besides I'm 87 years old - it's quite tiring. I'd most likely do a lot of thinking - although I would try not to but the thoughts would come anyway. I would try not to think of my wife of 70 years, whom I loved dearly and miss horribly. I would try not to think about the not-so-perfect-but-content life that we had, living in our own house and going through the same daily routine that we both knew so well. How she made sure I took my pill in the morning our needles, how she made sure I ate breakfast, reminded me to wash, kept me active with minor duties around the house, how she refused to let me shovel the driveway even after she had her heart attack, how she cut my food because my teeth are so bad that I can't chew, how she was always there...

You know, I was not the greatest granddaughter to these two incredible human beings - I remember promising them that when I had a car I would take them on trips everywhere. When they bought me my first car, a Subaru Justy, the biggest trip I took them on was a visit to relatives 4 hours away. How awful is that? Years seem to have passed by in a blink of the eye - there was so much that I had wanted to do for my grandparents. So many visits and phone calls that I had thought would happen, so many trips that we would take, so many stories I was supposed to hear. When I was small, my grandparents took care of me, as my parents were working long and hard trying to earn a living. I remember promising my grandmother that I would look after them when they got old...well, I guess I'm keeping half the promise. I've let my grandmother down...I truly hope she understands and I hope she knows I'm trying my best with Yehyeh.

I think it's time now for me to let some of this go and live right here, in the present with my Yehyeh.